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Jock and Heddy

Zelda and Percy



         Lights come up on a crowded singles bar. The time is about 1:00 a.m. Seated at the bar is HEDDY LA POISSON; a 24year old single. She sips a drink (her fourth) and then points into the audience after a departing male (no longer seen). Her speech is slightly slurred, she is a little tipsy but not drunk. She has an obvious Brooklyn accent.


HEDDY     (Shouting)…and I don’t do things like that…

                     (Takes a sip of her drink--HICCUPS) on the first date!


         There is a commotion at the back of the theater (the bar) as a young man (about 25), holding a drink, works his way through rows of seats and down the aisle. He heads for HEDDY. This is JOCK ARMSTRONG.


JOCK        Excuse me! Excuse me! … Whoops! Did I spill my drink on you? … Well, the  same to you pal and double! (He waves at HEDDY trying to get her  attention.)


      HEDDY looks toward the back of the theater, attracted by the commotion. She 

sees JOCK waving at her. Her first response is to wave back. Midway in the wave she withdraws her hand and turns  back to the bar, taking another sip of her drink.

     JOCK makes his way to the bar, standing next to HEDDY. She pretends not to 

notice  him.


JOCK        Kismet!


HEDDY     (Turning toward JOCK) Did you say something to me?


JOCK        I said kismet. (He is about to come on to HEDDY with a vengeance)


HEDDY     I don’t do things like that! (Takes another sip) Besides, we haven’t been          



JOCK        What I said was kismet. It means…ah…fate in Turkish.


HEDDY     (Giggles) Fate? I’ve heard that one before but not in Turkish.


JOCK        No, I mean it! I really mean it! I was standing back there in the crowd and I 

                     heard your voice. It was like—like music.

HEDDY     Funny you should say that.


JOCK       Why?


HEDDY     It  just so happens that I am a chanteuse   


JOCK        A chanteuse?


HEDDY     That’s French for singer.


JOCK        I could tell. My name is JOCK…JOCK ARMSTRONG.


HEDDY     That’s a very virile (pronounce veer-ile’) name. My name is HEDDY…HEDDY 

                      LA POISSON. Maybe you saw me on TV?


JOCK        You are a TV star! I knew it! The moment I saw you I said to myself, that is 

                    no  ordinary, beautiful lady drinking at the bar.


HEDDY     Did you really say that?


JOCK        Cross my heart. What TV show were you on?


HEDDY     My own show.


JOCK       (Impressed) Your own show! Of course! I’m sure I saw it. It was called the—



HEDDY     (Helping him out) The HEDDY LA POISSON Show.

JOCK        Right. I was just about to say that. Channel 2!


HEDDY     No. Not channel 2.                                                   


JOCK        4?


HEDDY     (Drains her glass) Empty! No, not 4.


JOCK        Let me buy you another drink.


HEDDY     You don’t have too—Jake.


JOCK        That’s JOCK. I want too. I really want too. What are you drinking?


HEDDY     A triple threat.


JOCK        A triple threat?


HEDDY     Oui. That’s French for yeah.


JOCK        What’s a triple threat?


HEDDY     That’s Drambuie, rum and vodka over ice with a radish. Make it a double…

                      with two radishes.


JOCK        Bartender. A triple threat. A double. Make that two with two radishes 

                    each. (Back to HEDDY) 7?


HEDDY     Seven? Seven…what?


JOCK        You know, you’ve got a great sense of humor. That’s rare in a woman.

HEDDY    Thanks. Seven—what?


JOCK        I’m still trying to guess what channel your TV show was on.


HEDDY     999 and1/2 .


JOCK        999 and 1/2? That’s a channel?


HEDDY     Don’t you have cable? Channel 999 and 1/2 is a cable station. Public access.


JOCK        Shit!I should have known that. It’s all the pressure I’m under in my business.


HEDDY     What  kind of business are you in?


JOCK        I’m a producer.


HEDDY     (Now she is really interested) Really? TV or films?


JOCK        Brassieres.I produce brassieres.


HEDDY     Brassieres?


JOCK        Right. It’s my father’s factory. I’m the third generation in the business. 

                    Maybe you’ve heard of the brand? THREE Bs? Better Bosom Brassieres.


HEDDY     I’m sure I have. … I don’t wear them.


JOCK        My brassieres?


HEDDY     No, not just yours. I don’t wear brassieres. I don’t have too.


JOCK        (Makes a profession inspection) I can tell. It’s a good thing most women 

                     don’t have a pair like yours. I’d be out of business.


HEDDY     It’s all in the genes. Do you know that my grandmother is 93 and she 

                     doesn’t wear a brassiere either.


JOCK        (Lets that one pass) Do you live in the city?


HEDDY     I have an apartment on East 83rd. I share it with ZELDA.


JOCK        ZELDA?


HEDDY     My roommate. We’re legal secretaries in the same law firm.


JOCK        I thought you are a singer?


HEDDY     I am. Being a legal secretary is just a sideline. In comes in handy when it’s 

                      time to pay the rent.


JOCK        Is she home now?


HEDDY     who?




HEDDY     (Laughs) She’s always home.


JOCK        Shit! How come?


HEDDY     If you met ZELDA you would understand. I don’t think she has ever gone

                     out on a date in her entire life.


JOCK        She must be pretty ugly.


HEDDY     ZELDAis not ugly. She’s-- she’s plain but has a great personality.


JOCK        Yeah, I know the type.


HEDDY     What about you? Do you live in the city?


JOCK        Yeah. I’ve got a great place just off Fifth Avenue. Seventh and 53rd. Like you, 

                     I’ve got a roommate.


HEDDY     Shit! I mean—


JOCK        I know exactly what you mean. Why waste valuable time with preliminaries. 

                     We’re attracted to each other. You know it and I know it.


HEDDY     Well—(Laughs nervously) all we can do here is make conversation.


JOCK        You’re right.


HEDDY     (Aggressively eager) Where?


JOCK        Now, that’s a problem.


HEDDY     How come?

JOCK        My roommate is like your roommate. He doesn’t go out with girls.


HEDDY     He’s gay?


JOCK        No! He isn’t gay. Do you think I would live with a guy who is gay?


HEDDY     Not with a name like Jake.


JOCK        That’s JOCK!


HEDDY     What’s the matter with him then?


JOCK        Well, PERCY is the kind of guy—


HEDDY     (Giggling) PERCY?


JOCK        Yeah. His name is PERCY PEAPENNY the THIRD. Percy has more problems 

                     then just his name.


HEDDY     You mean he’s ugly?


JOCK        No. He isn’t ugly. He’s no Robert Redford. I guess I would use the same 

                    description you gave for your roommate. He’s plain looking.


HEDDY     Has he ever been laid?


JOCK        I doubt it. He’s afraid of getting a disease.


HEDDY     ZELDA is the same way. She should have been a nun.


JOCK        Look at the fun they are missing.


HEDDY     That’s what I keep telling ZELDA.


JOCK        That still leaves us without a place to go.


HEDDY     What about a hotel?


JOCK        That would be degrading—for both of us.


HEDDY     You’re right. I don’t know what got into me.


JOCK        You will…if we can figure a way to get your apartment or mine.


HEDDY     You sure have a way with words, don’t you.


JOCK        (Looking around to make sure he isn’t overheard) Ever hear of China White?


HEDDY     Sure. Don’t tell me you got some.


JOCK        Got a buy from the widow of the guy who over-dosed on it.


HEDDY     (Impressed) They tell me that stuff does wild things to your head.


JOCK        Not only to your head. You have never had sex like sex with a China White 



HEDDY     I can’t wait!

JOCK        There’s got to be a way for me to get PERCY out of our apartment.


HEDDY     Can’t you get him a date?


JOCK        Who would want to go out with PERCY?


HEDDY     I know what you mean. It’s like—who would want to go out with ZELDA?


JOCK       ( A brainstorm) That’s it! PERCY and ZELDA!


HEDDY     Do you think we can arrange it?

JOCK        Why not? We can do it tomorrow night. We'll meet here at the Date & 

                    Mate Bar. I'll get PERCY to come. You get ZELDA here.

HEDDY    I don't know if ZELDA would come if she knew it was a double date.

JOCK        Is she bright? You know, intellectual?

HEDDY    Is she ever. ZELDA is strictly a head person. She considers the rest of her

                    body to be excess baggage.

JOCK        PERCY is the same way. There isn't anything he doesn't know about except--

HEDDY    (Finishing it for him) ...screwing, right?

JOCK        He knows about it. He just doesn't do it.

HEDDY    They sound perfect for each other.

JOCK        Yeah, perfect. Once we get them here, you and I will convince them that 

                     their brains were made in heaven for each other.

HEDDY    I get it. Then, we talk them into going to my apartment for a nice, intellectual 

                    evening while you and I  go to your place for--

JOCK        ...a blast! A real, high flying, fucking blast!


            The following evening at the DATE & MATE BAR. Entering from stage right are JOCK and PERCY. Entering from stage left are HEDDY and ZELDA. They meet at a table set with four chairs at center stage.

            PERCY and ZELDA are stereotypical intellectuals (nerds). They both wear  large framed glasses and are shy and uncomfortable in this singles bar environment.

The introductions are made standing.

JOCK        (Upbeat) Hi HEDDY. You must be ZELDA.

ZELDA     Yeah. (To HEDDY) I don't belong in a place like this.

HEDDY    You'll love it if you give it a chance. Hi JAKE.

JOCK        That's JOCK.


HEDDY    You must be PERCY.

         PERCY nods his head a number of times. He is a compulsive nodder when nervous. He turns to JOCK, speaking under his breath.

PERCY    My hives are breaking out!

JOCK        Relax. (Reassuring) You look good in hives. 

HEDDY    PERCY I would like you to meet ZELDA ZACKHEIMER, my roommate.    

ZELDA      Z.

PERCY      Z?    

ZELDA     Z. It's my middle initial.

PERCY    I don't have one.

ZELDA    What don't you have?

PERCY    A...Z.

ZELDA    That's too bad.

      There follows several seconds of dead silence. All four are clearly uncomfortable.

The longer the silence can be sustained, the better.   

JOCK       (Trying to avert a disaster) You have a THIRD!

PERCY    (Nodding several times) I definitely have a THIRD.

ZELDA    A third of what?

PERCY    I don't have a third of anything.

            HEDDY to ZELDA. She too is desperately trying to get things back on course.

HEDDY    A THIRD is part of PERCY'S  name.

PERCY    (Nodding rapidly) That is very true. Very true. My full name is PERCY 

                    PEAPENNY the THIRD.

ZELDA    (Cooly) Nice name.

JOCK        Shall we sit down. 

            PERCY and ZELDA are seated next to each other at a small table.

HEDDY    (Nervously) Isn't this cozy?

ZELDA    (Whispering, loudly, to HEDDY) I hate it! I want to go home!

JOCK        (Trying to generate enthusiasm) How about drinks!

PERCY    Do they serve Ovaltine?

JOCK        (To PERCY, under his breath) You promised you wouldn't embarrass me

HEDDY    I'll have a triple threat (A beat) with a splash. Make that a double with two     



JOCK        That's one double triple threat with a splash. A splash of what?

HEDDY    Bourbon.

JOCK    (Incredulous) Bourbon? With drambuie, rum and vodka?

HEDDY    Oui. That's French for yeah.

JOCK        I know.

HEDDY    It's the in drink on the Riviera this year.

JOCK        In that case, I'll have one too. The same for you ZELDA?

ZELDA    I'll have a Shirley Temple.    

JOCK    A Shirley Temple? (Plays it straight) Right. What about you PERCY?

PERCY    Well, if I can't have Ovaltine-- (Comes to a decision) I'll try a Shirley Temple.

JOCK        Good choice.

ZELDA    (To PERCY. A slight relaxation) You'll like it. No alcohol. The best part is the 

                    maraschino cherry.

            JOCK and HEDDY exchange glances during this exchange between PERCY and 


PERCY     I love maraschino cherries except-- (A beat) I don't eat them anymore.

ZELDA     Why not?

PERCY    It's the red dye they use to color the cherries. It has proven  to be a 


JOCK       What the hell is a carcinogen?

ZELDA    A cancer producing substance.  

            PERCY perceives a kindred spirit in ZELDA.

PERCY    That is absolutely right.

            ZELDA shows a slight interest in PERCY.   

ZELDA    Laboratory tests on rats have  shown that large doses of the dye caused     

                  cancer to manifest itself.

HEDDY    I hate rats!

ZELDA    I just love maraschino cherries. Having one once in a while can't hurt.

PERCY    (Starting to warm towards ZELDA) That's very daring of you--ZELDA.

ZELDA    (Starting to warm towards PERCY) Thank you --PERCY. Why don't you do it?

JOCK        (Under his breath to HEDDY)  I can't wait to do it! (Louder) Let's order.

PERCY    (A major decision) O.K.! Make mine a Shirley Temple (A beat) with a 

                    maraschino cherry! (JOCK and HEDDY applaud. PERCY responds to the 

                    adulation.) Make that two maraschino cherries!

ZELDA    (A spontaneous reaction) Wow! I'll have two also!

JOCK        Waiter! (To the group) I never have trouble getting a waiter here. Not with 

                    the big tips I hand out.

            The waiter arrives at the table.

WAITER    You wanna order drinks JAKE?

JOCK        That's JOCK! (Glares at the waiter.) Two--double triple--

WAITER    (Writing the order, looks up) Two double triple? What kinda order is that?

JOCK        (Very annoyed) I'm not finished with my order yet!  


JOCK        (Flustered , raises his voice) That''s JAKE!


PERCY    Actually his name is JEROME--JEROME ARMOWITZ.

JOCK       (Glaring at PERCY) Who asked you?

WAITER  (Impatient)  What about your order?

JOCK        Two double triple threats with a splash and...         

WAITER    A splash? (A beat)  A splash of what?

JOCK        Bourbon. Jack Daniels.

WAITER    (Whistles)

PERCY    And two Shirley Temples-- (He looks over to ZELDA and smiles. She returns

                    the smile. PERCY is back to the waiter) with two maraschino cherries--


WAITER    Two maraschino cherries--each? (A beat)  You know that dye will kill ya!

PERCY    We know. (He looks over and smiles at ZELDA. She smile back.) We're going 

                    for it!

JOCK       (Rolling his eyes.) Oh boy!      

ZELDA    This is exciting!

            The waiter gives a thumbs up sign to PERCY  and leaves with the order.

HEDDY    Well, here we are; the four of us.

JOCK        You know ZELDA, my roommate--(Reaches across the table and takes 

                    PERCY'S  hand.) is a real intellectual.

HEDDY    (Taking her cue from JOCK, reaches across the table and takes ZELDA'S

                     hand.) And do you know, PERCY, that my roommate is also a very real


JOCK        You two guys have a lot in common.

HEDDY    You do! A lot!

PERCY    I'm not an intellectual. It's just that my interests are different from that of 

                    most people.

ZELDA    The same with me.

PERCY    (Heightened interest.) Really?

ZELDA    Really. I mean, who else is interested in the historical significance  of the 

                    zither in relationship to the development of medieval eating habits?

PERCY    (Open mouthed amazement. He begins nodding.) I am! I love the zither! I

                    own 16 of them. One by the great master, Zitherelli.

ZELDA    (Her turn to be amazed.) You own a Zitherelli? (Percy  is nodding and 

                    smiling.) I can't believe it! I own a Stringolotti!

PERCY    (Excited) A Giovonni Stringolotti?

ZELDA    (Responding to Percy, she nods and smiles.) It's one of only six Giovonni 

                    Stringolottis in existence!

PERCY    (Unable to contain himself.) I don't believe it! My God! Do you know what I 

                    give to own a Giovonni Stringolotti zither?

ZELDA    (Caught up in the excitement.) What?

PERCY    Only my soul! That's what!I would love to see it!

ZELDA    Sure. I would love to show it to you sometime.

JOCK        Tonight! Show it to him tonight! 

HEDDY    That's a super idea!

ZELDA    Tonight? Why tonight?

PERCY    (A dawning.) Of course! I think I know why.

JOCK      ( Defensive and guilty.) What do you know, PERCY?

PERCY    It suddenly dawns on me why this double date was arranged. You want me 

                   out of the apartment tonight so you and-- 



ZELDA    Not when you are talking to me it isn't! You set this up with JAKE!

JOCK        That's JOCK!

ZELDA    The least you could have done was to be honest with me!

HEDDY    (Embarrassed) Well, you don't approve of my life style.

ZELDA    Life style? You call spending your night hanging out in places like this a

                    life style?

HEDDY    (Angry) How I spend my evenings is none of your damn business! 

ZELDA    That's right, it isn't. If you place such a low value on yourself--sleeping with 

                    a different guy every night--that's your business too! That is until--

HEDDY    (Angrier) Until? Until--what?

ZELDA    Until you involve me. That is just what you have done tonight.

JOCK        (To the rescue.) Just a minute ZELDA! You can't talk to HEDDY like that!

PERCY    Mind your own business JEROME! This is between HEDDY and ZELDA.    

ZELDA    Thank you PERCY.

HEDDY    JOCK--why play games! Just tell PERCY to stay out of your apartment     


JOCK        (Embarrassed) I can't do that.

HEDDY    Why not?

JOCK        PERCY owns the apartment. (A beat) what about you?

HEDDY    What about me?

JOCK        Why don't you tell ZELDA to go to a movie or something?

HEDDY    (Embarrassed) She owns our apartment. ZELDA never lets me use the 

                    apartment for--for--

ZELDA    ...dirty, filthy sex!

JOCK        Dirty, filthy sex? How can you say that? Sex is the ultimate expression of          

                    love  between a man and a woman.

PERCY    Baloney!

JOCK        What did you say?

PERCY       I said baloney! You call picking up some floozy in a bar and ending up in bed 

                      for a one-night-stand the ultimate expression of love?

HEDDY    Who are you calling a floozy?

PERCY    Nothing personal. (Back to JOCK.) Do you think I want you bringing some

                    disease back to my apartment?

HEDDY    Are you accusing me of having a disease? How do I know (Pointing to JOCK.)

                    he hasn't got something like--like--

ZELDA    A social disease?

JOCK        A social disease? I don't have a social disease!

ZELDA    How do you know?

PERCY    I insist that he gets a blood test every month. Either that or he gets out of my


ZELDA    (Another connection) I make HARRIET do the same thing.

HEDDY    (Near tears) ZELDA! How could you embarrass me like this? I--I thought you 

                     were my friend?

ZELDA    (Softening) I am your friend HARRIET. I just feel the way PERCY does. I don't 

                    want you to bring home a disease!

PERCY    I'm sorry JEROME. Things are different now.

JOCK        Different? How are they different? Don't I go for my monthly blood test?

PERCY    That is good for the old diseases. I'm not sure it works for the new ones.

JOCK        What new ones?

ZELDA    Herpes for one. I understand it is not uncommon with sexually active people

                    like you and HARRIET.

PERCY    (Nodding) True. How do I know you haven't got herpes? You never let me 


JOCK        Let you look?

            HEDDY directs a questioning look at JOCK. The first seeds of doubt have been 


PERCY    I guess  I ruined your evening ZELDA.

ZELDA    I was about to say the same thing to you--PERCY.

            A romance is beginning to happen between PERCY and ZELDA.

PERCY    You know ZELDA--on second thought--JEROME and  HEDDY are 

                    consenting  adults. If they want to risk getting one of those diseases, well--

ZELDA    Well, on second thought, why not. There must be a blood test for herpes 

                    too. (A beat) Would you still like to see my Giovanni Stringolotti zither?

PERCY    (Great expectations) When?

ZELDA    Tonight.

PERCY    Would I ever!

JOCK      Does that mean (A beat) we can have the apartment?

PERCY    Just for tonight.

HEDDY    I can't believe it! Thanks; both of you. 


            The time is later that same evening. We have a split stage. At stage right we see JOCK and HEDDY standing before the door leading to JOCK's apartment. He is searching, frantically, for his apartment key.

         At stage left we see PERCY and ZELDA standing before the door leading to ZELDA's apartment. They hesitate going in. This situation is the first time for both of them.

            A spotlight picks up JOCK and HEDDY as the action begins. A second spotlight, using a  blue or green gel, dimly illuminates PERCY and ZELDA. The remain motionless during the exchange between JOCK and HEDDY.

         At the conclusion of the action between JOCK and HEDDY, they freeze in position. The lighting is reversed. They are dimly illuminated by the blue or green gel spotlight. The white spotlight picks up PERCY and ZELDA as they begin their action.

JOCK       (Turning his pockets inside out.) I know my apartment key is here, someplace!

HEDDY     Are you sure you took it?

JOCK        Sure I'm sure! Do you think I would forget it on a night like this?

                    (He laughs,  nervously)  It's your fault I'm having trouble finding it.

HEDDY    My fault?

JOCK        You are so beautiful! So sexy! All I can think about is the two of us in bed 

                    together! How can I concentrate on finding my key? (He continues his, 

                    increasingly, frantic search.) 

HEDDY    (From behind him, runs her fingers through his hair.) Kismet.

JOCK        (Concentrating on his search) What?

HEDDY    (Her hands are all over him.) I said, Kismet. That's Turkish for fate.

JOCK        (Reacting to her touching.) Oh my God! Could I have given it to you?

HEDDY    (Kissing his cheek.) What?

JOCK        My apartment key!

HEDDY     Why would you have done that?

JOCK        The way things have been going tonight, I could have done anything!

HEDDY    I know what you mean. That PERCY is just too much! Floozy! He called me a 


            JOCK is about to begin a striptease in his desperate search for the missing 

             apartment key.

JOCK        He didn't mean anything by that. You are a doll; a living doll and you are

                    driving me out of my mind! (Takes off his jacket.) Maybe it slipped into the 

                    lining of my jacket?

            After a fruitless search, he grows more frantic. The jacket is dropped to the floor.

HEDDY    (Still focusing on PERCY.) He didn't huh! What about that crack he made?

            There is a heightened level of  desperation in JOCK's search for the key. He is becoming less and less tuned into HEDDY's comments. He takes off his shoes.

JOCK        Maybe I stuck it in my shoes? What crack? (Shakes out his shoes.)

            HEDDY  is  beginning to focus more and more on her anger with PERCY and ZELDA.

HEDDY    The one about bringing home a disease. Who the hell did he think you would

                     get it from?--Me?

            JOCK's socks come off in his increasing desperation.

JOCK        Maybe it's in my socks! (Turning to HEDDY) My God! I've got to have you! 

                    (Back to his socks.) Not here! Where!? Where!?

HEDDY    (Getting angrier as she thinks about PERCY and ZELDA.)  ZELDA is no 

                    better! Making me go for my monthly blood tests! No apartment is worth

                    that! Herpes! She practically accused me of having Herpes!

             His tie is next. Rationality has gone out the window in his growing, blind passion.

JOCK        Maybe, it got caught in the lining of my tie! (The tie ends upon the floor.)

HEDDY    PERCY practically accused you of having herpes too! You don't, do you?

            JOCK unbuttons his shirt and takes it off.

JOCK        I can't wait much longer! Inside my shirt? (To HEDDY) What?        

HEDDY    Do--do you have it?  Be honest with me!

JOCK        (Continuing to search) I wouldn't lie to you! I have it! I have it!

            His pants come off.

HEDDY    PERCY was right!

JOCK        (Nearly crazy, turns his pants inside out.) Not here! I'm going to die!

HEDDY    Well, you're not going to take me with you!

            JOCK stands in his underwear. Agony is written all over his face. He has no idea what HEDDY is talking  about.

JOCK        What? What did you say?

HEDDY    (Points a finger in accusation.) You've got herpes.

JOCK        Herpes? I don't have herpes!

HEDDY    You just said you did! Your very words were, "I have it! I have it!"

            At this very moment JOCK discovers his key.  It has fallen through a hole in the watch-pocket of his pants and into the  inside front of his underwear shorts. He is so elated that he is distracted by HEDDY's accusation. He reaches down, into the front of his shorts.

JOCK        (Elated) It's here!

HEDDY    (Icy) That's where it generally is!

            JOCK holds up the key with relief and anticipation.

JOCK        The key! I found the key! It must have fallen through a hole in the watch-

                    pocket of my pants. Now we can get into my apartment and we can--

HEDDY    On second thought, I think I will go to a movie. Alone! 

            Lights change. JOCK and HEDDY freeze in position. The white spotlight pick up PERCY and ZELDA nervously engaged in conversation.

ZELDA    This is my apartment.

PERCY    This is a hallway. You live in a hallway?

ZELDA    No, silly. My apartment is on the other side of the door.

PERCY    I knew that. Eh--Do you want to bring it out?

ZELDA    Bring it out?

PERCY    Your Giovonni Stringolotti zither.

ZELDA     I think that would be best. (She is about to unlock the door and stops.) I

                    just remembered. I can't.

PERCY    Why not?

ZELDA    It's my insurance. The Stringolotti is only covered so long as it remains in my 

                    apartment. I'm afraid you will have to come in.

PERCY    Maybe, I can see it through the window.

ZELDA    I'm on the 21st floor. Look, you don't have to come in if you don't want too!

            ZELDA turns  to unlock the door.

PERCY    Wait!

ZELDA    What?

PERCY    My shoelace! It's untied!

ZELDA    You're wearing loafers.

PERCY    I forgot. I think it's all the excitement we had tonight. My apartment used as 


ZELDA    (Sympathetic) Are you worried about--about--you know.    

PERCY    (nodding, nervously) Those kind of diseases have always terrified me. That's

                    why I never indulged in--you know.

ZELDA    The same with me. Except, with me there is another thing.

PERCY    Besides getting  a social disease? What?

ZELDA    Licorice.

PERCY    Licorice?

ZELDA    The reason I'm a--a virgin is partly due to licorice. (A beat) Did I shock you?

PERCY    I'll get over it. Go on. What about licorice?

ZELDA    It's not a very long story.

PERCY    I'd like to hear it.

ZELDA    I feel I can talk to you. I could never do that with a man before.

PERCY    Do you know-- Do you know--

ZELDA    What?

PERCY    I feel the same about you. I mean--women have alway made me nervous.

ZELDA    Do I make you nervous?

PERCY    You did at first but not now. What--what about me?

ZELDA    What about you?

PERCY    Do I make you nervous?  

ZELDA    Not any more.

PERCY    What about licorice and--and--

ZELDA    My being a virgin? (PERCY nods his head) When I was twelve years old I went

                    to a party. They played spin the bottle. You know, that kissing game. (PERCY

                    nods his head.) There was this boy--about thirteen, with pimples--who had

                    to kiss me. He was eating one of those twisty licorice whips.

PERCY    Yuck!

ZELDA    Wait until you hear this. He had chewed that long, licorice whip down until it

                    was short and twisty and slobbery.

PERCY    Sounds disgusting. 

ZELDA    It was. That's how I remember it, anyway. When he kissed me, he--he stuck 

                    his tongue in my mouth. It was covered with licorice. All I could picture was 

                   that short, twisty, slobbery thing he held in his hand. I got sick to my stomach.

PERCY    I don't blame you. I mean, that on top of social diseases is enough to make 

                    anybody remain a virgin. Just social diseases was enough for me.

ZELDA    (Sighing) We have a lot in common don't we. We've kept our virginity and our


PERCY    At least we don't have to worry about our having any of those social diseases.

ZELDA    You know PERCY, there have been times when I've thought that it has been 

                    a  very high price to pay.

PERCY    I know what you mean. Those urges creep up on me at the strangest times.

            ZELDA glances down at PERCY 's fly.

ZELDA    Like--now?

PERCY    How did you know? (He follows her eyes down to his fly.) I'm embarrassed.

ZELDA    Don't be. I'm feeling the same urge, only you can't see it on me.

PERCY    (New courage) Well, I know you don't have any social diseases.

ZELDA    And I know you don't either.

PERCY    I hate licorice.

ZELDA    (Smiling) Do you still want to see my Giovonni Stringolotti zither?

PERCY    On second thought, do you think we can deal with our urges first?


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