with
Jock and Heddy
Zelda and Percy
Lights come up on a crowded singles bar. The time is about 1:00 a.m. Seated at the bar is HEDDY LA POISSON; a 24year old single. She sips a drink (her fourth) and then points into the audience after a departing male (no longer seen). Her speech is slightly slurred, she is a little tipsy but not drunk. She has an obvious Brooklyn accent.
HEDDY (Shouting)…and I don’t do things like that…
(Takes a sip of her drink--HICCUPS) on the first date!
There is a commotion at the back of the theater (the bar) as a young man (about 25), holding a drink, works his way through rows of seats and down the aisle. He heads for HEDDY. This is JOCK ARMSTRONG.
JOCK Excuse me! Excuse me! … Whoops! Did I spill my drink on you? … Well, the same to you pal and double! (He waves at HEDDY trying to get her attention.)
HEDDY looks toward the back of the theater, attracted by the commotion. She
sees JOCK waving at her. Her first response is to wave back. Midway in the wave she withdraws her hand and turns back to the bar, taking another sip of her drink.
JOCK makes his way to the bar, standing next to HEDDY. She pretends not to
notice him.
JOCK Kismet!
HEDDY (Turning toward JOCK) Did you say something to me?
JOCK I said kismet. (He is about to come on to HEDDY with a vengeance)
HEDDY I don’t do things like that! (Takes another sip) Besides, we haven’t been
introduced.
JOCK What I said was kismet. It means…ah…fate in Turkish.
HEDDY (Giggles) Fate? I’ve heard that one before but not in Turkish.
JOCK No, I mean it! I really mean it! I was standing back there in the crowd and I
heard your voice. It was like—like music.
HEDDY Funny you should say that.
JOCK Why?
HEDDY It just so happens that I am a chanteuse
JOCK A chanteuse?
HEDDY That’s French for singer.
JOCK I could tell. My name is JOCK…JOCK ARMSTRONG.
HEDDY That’s a very virile (pronounce veer-ile’) name. My name is HEDDY…HEDDY
LA POISSON. Maybe you saw me on TV?
JOCK You are a TV star! I knew it! The moment I saw you I said to myself, that is
no ordinary, beautiful lady drinking at the bar.
HEDDY Did you really say that?
JOCK Cross my heart. What TV show were you on?
HEDDY My own show.
JOCK (Impressed) Your own show! Of course! I’m sure I saw it. It was called the—
the—
HEDDY (Helping him out) The HEDDY LA POISSON Show.
JOCK Right. I was just about to say that. Channel 2!
HEDDY No. Not channel 2.
JOCK 4?
HEDDY (Drains her glass) Empty! No, not 4.
JOCK Let me buy you another drink.
HEDDY You don’t have too—Jake.
JOCK That’s JOCK. I want too. I really want too. What are you drinking?
HEDDY A triple threat.
JOCK A triple threat?
HEDDY Oui. That’s French for yeah.
JOCK What’s a triple threat?
HEDDY That’s Drambuie, rum and vodka over ice with a radish. Make it a double…
with two radishes.
JOCK Bartender. A triple threat. A double. Make that two with two radishes
each. (Back to HEDDY) 7?
HEDDY Seven? Seven…what?
JOCK You know, you’ve got a great sense of humor. That’s rare in a woman.
HEDDY Thanks. Seven—what?
JOCK I’m still trying to guess what channel your TV show was on.
HEDDY 999 and1/2 .
JOCK 999 and 1/2? That’s a channel?
HEDDY Don’t you have cable? Channel 999 and 1/2 is a cable station. Public access.
JOCK Shit!I should have known that. It’s all the pressure I’m under in my business.
HEDDY What kind of business are you in?
JOCK I’m a producer.
HEDDY (Now she is really interested) Really? TV or films?
JOCK Brassieres.I produce brassieres.
HEDDY Brassieres?
JOCK Right. It’s my father’s factory. I’m the third generation in the business.
Maybe you’ve heard of the brand? THREE Bs? Better Bosom Brassieres.
HEDDY I’m sure I have. … I don’t wear them.
JOCK My brassieres?
HEDDY No, not just yours. I don’t wear brassieres. I don’t have too.
JOCK (Makes a profession inspection) I can tell. It’s a good thing most women
don’t have a pair like yours. I’d be out of business.
HEDDY It’s all in the genes. Do you know that my grandmother is 93 and she
doesn’t wear a brassiere either.
JOCK (Lets that one pass) Do you live in the city?
HEDDY I have an apartment on East 83rd. I share it with ZELDA.
JOCK ZELDA?
HEDDY My roommate. We’re legal secretaries in the same law firm.
JOCK I thought you are a singer?
HEDDY I am. Being a legal secretary is just a sideline. In comes in handy when it’s
time to pay the rent.
JOCK Is she home now?
HEDDY who?
JOCK ZELDA.
HEDDY (Laughs) She’s always home.
JOCK Shit! How come?
HEDDY If you met ZELDA you would understand. I don’t think she has ever gone
out on a date in her entire life.
JOCK She must be pretty ugly.
HEDDY ZELDAis not ugly. She’s-- she’s plain but has a great personality.
JOCK Yeah, I know the type.
HEDDY What about you? Do you live in the city?
JOCK Yeah. I’ve got a great place just off Fifth Avenue. Seventh and 53rd. Like you,
I’ve got a roommate.
HEDDY Shit! I mean—
JOCK I know exactly what you mean. Why waste valuable time with preliminaries.
We’re attracted to each other. You know it and I know it.
HEDDY Well—(Laughs nervously) all we can do here is make conversation.
JOCK You’re right.
HEDDY (Aggressively eager) Where?
JOCK Now, that’s a problem.
HEDDY How come?
JOCK My roommate is like your roommate. He doesn’t go out with girls.
HEDDY He’s gay?
JOCK No! He isn’t gay. Do you think I would live with a guy who is gay?
HEDDY Not with a name like Jake.
JOCK That’s JOCK!
HEDDY What’s the matter with him then?
JOCK Well, PERCY is the kind of guy—
HEDDY (Giggling) PERCY?
JOCK Yeah. His name is PERCY PEAPENNY the THIRD. Percy has more problems
then just his name.
HEDDY You mean he’s ugly?
JOCK No. He isn’t ugly. He’s no Robert Redford. I guess I would use the same
description you gave for your roommate. He’s plain looking.
HEDDY Has he ever been laid?
JOCK I doubt it. He’s afraid of getting a disease.
HEDDY ZELDA is the same way. She should have been a nun.
JOCK Look at the fun they are missing.
HEDDY That’s what I keep telling ZELDA.
JOCK That still leaves us without a place to go.
HEDDY What about a hotel?
JOCK That would be degrading—for both of us.
HEDDY You’re right. I don’t know what got into me.
JOCK You will…if we can figure a way to get your apartment or mine.
HEDDY You sure have a way with words, don’t you.
JOCK (Looking around to make sure he isn’t overheard) Ever hear of China White?
HEDDY Sure. Don’t tell me you got some.
JOCK Got a buy from the widow of the guy who over-dosed on it.
HEDDY (Impressed) They tell me that stuff does wild things to your head.
JOCK Not only to your head. You have never had sex like sex with a China White
high.
HEDDY I can’t wait!
JOCK There’s got to be a way for me to get PERCY out of our apartment.
HEDDY Can’t you get him a date?
JOCK Who would want to go out with PERCY?
HEDDY I know what you mean. It’s like—who would want to go out with ZELDA?
JOCK ( A brainstorm) That’s it! PERCY and ZELDA!
HEDDY Do you think we can arrange it?
JOCK Why not? We can do it tomorrow night. We'll meet here at the Date &
Mate Bar. I'll get PERCY to come. You get ZELDA here.
HEDDY I don't know if ZELDA would come if she knew it was a double date.
JOCK Is she bright? You know, intellectual?
HEDDY Is she ever. ZELDA is strictly a head person. She considers the rest of her
body to be excess baggage.
JOCK PERCY is the same way. There isn't anything he doesn't know about except--
HEDDY (Finishing it for him) ...screwing, right?
JOCK He knows about it. He just doesn't do it.
HEDDY They sound perfect for each other.
JOCK Yeah, perfect. Once we get them here, you and I will convince them that
their brains were made in heaven for each other.
HEDDY I get it. Then, we talk them into going to my apartment for a nice, intellectual
evening while you and I go to your place for--
JOCK ...a blast! A real, high flying, fucking blast!
(Blackout)
The following evening at the DATE & MATE BAR. Entering from stage right are JOCK and PERCY. Entering from stage left are HEDDY and ZELDA. They meet at a table set with four chairs at center stage.
PERCY and ZELDA are stereotypical intellectuals (nerds). They both wear large framed glasses and are shy and uncomfortable in this singles bar environment.
The introductions are made standing.
JOCK (Upbeat) Hi HEDDY. You must be ZELDA.
ZELDA Yeah. (To HEDDY) I don't belong in a place like this.
HEDDY You'll love it if you give it a chance. Hi JAKE.
JOCK That's JOCK.
PERCY JOCK?
HEDDY You must be PERCY.
PERCY nods his head a number of times. He is a compulsive nodder when nervous. He turns to JOCK, speaking under his breath.
PERCY My hives are breaking out!
JOCK Relax. (Reassuring) You look good in hives.
HEDDY PERCY I would like you to meet ZELDA ZACKHEIMER, my roommate.
ZELDA Z.
PERCY Z?
ZELDA Z. It's my middle initial.
PERCY I don't have one.
ZELDA What don't you have?
PERCY A...Z.
ZELDA That's too bad.
There follows several seconds of dead silence. All four are clearly uncomfortable.
The longer the silence can be sustained, the better.
JOCK (Trying to avert a disaster) You have a THIRD!
PERCY (Nodding several times) I definitely have a THIRD.
ZELDA A third of what?
PERCY I don't have a third of anything.
HEDDY to ZELDA. She too is desperately trying to get things back on course.
HEDDY A THIRD is part of PERCY'S name.
PERCY (Nodding rapidly) That is very true. Very true. My full name is PERCY
PEAPENNY the THIRD.
ZELDA (Cooly) Nice name.
JOCK Shall we sit down.
PERCY and ZELDA are seated next to each other at a small table.
HEDDY (Nervously) Isn't this cozy?
ZELDA (Whispering, loudly, to HEDDY) I hate it! I want to go home!
JOCK (Trying to generate enthusiasm) How about drinks!
PERCY Do they serve Ovaltine?
JOCK (To PERCY, under his breath) You promised you wouldn't embarrass me
HEDDY I'll have a triple threat (A beat) with a splash. Make that a double with two
radishes.
JOCK That's one double triple threat with a splash. A splash of what?
HEDDY Bourbon.
JOCK (Incredulous) Bourbon? With drambuie, rum and vodka?
HEDDY Oui. That's French for yeah.
JOCK I know.
HEDDY It's the in drink on the Riviera this year.
JOCK In that case, I'll have one too. The same for you ZELDA?
ZELDA I'll have a Shirley Temple.
JOCK A Shirley Temple? (Plays it straight) Right. What about you PERCY?
PERCY Well, if I can't have Ovaltine-- (Comes to a decision) I'll try a Shirley Temple.
JOCK Good choice.
ZELDA (To PERCY. A slight relaxation) You'll like it. No alcohol. The best part is the
maraschino cherry.
JOCK and HEDDY exchange glances during this exchange between PERCY and
ZELDA.
PERCY I love maraschino cherries except-- (A beat) I don't eat them anymore.
ZELDA Why not?
PERCY It's the red dye they use to color the cherries. It has proven to be a
carcinogen.
JOCK What the hell is a carcinogen?
ZELDA A cancer producing substance.
PERCY perceives a kindred spirit in ZELDA.
PERCY That is absolutely right.
ZELDA shows a slight interest in PERCY.
ZELDA Laboratory tests on rats have shown that large doses of the dye caused
cancer to manifest itself.
HEDDY I hate rats!
ZELDA I just love maraschino cherries. Having one once in a while can't hurt.
PERCY (Starting to warm towards ZELDA) That's very daring of you--ZELDA.
ZELDA (Starting to warm towards PERCY) Thank you --PERCY. Why don't you do it?
JOCK (Under his breath to HEDDY) I can't wait to do it! (Louder) Let's order.
PERCY (A major decision) O.K.! Make mine a Shirley Temple (A beat) with a
maraschino cherry! (JOCK and HEDDY applaud. PERCY responds to the
adulation.) Make that two maraschino cherries!
ZELDA (A spontaneous reaction) Wow! I'll have two also!
JOCK Waiter! (To the group) I never have trouble getting a waiter here. Not with
the big tips I hand out.
The waiter arrives at the table.
WAITER You wanna order drinks JAKE?
JOCK That's JOCK! (Glares at the waiter.) Two--double triple--
WAITER (Writing the order, looks up) Two double triple? What kinda order is that?
JOCK (Very annoyed) I'm not finished with my order yet!
WAITER Sorry JOCK.
JOCK (Flustered , raises his voice) That''s JAKE!
HEDDY JAKE?
PERCY Actually his name is JEROME--JEROME ARMOWITZ.
JOCK (Glaring at PERCY) Who asked you?
WAITER (Impatient) What about your order?
JOCK Two double triple threats with a splash and...
WAITER A splash? (A beat) A splash of what?
JOCK Bourbon. Jack Daniels.
WAITER (Whistles)
PERCY And two Shirley Temples-- (He looks over to ZELDA and smiles. She returns
the smile. PERCY is back to the waiter) with two maraschino cherries--
each!
WAITER Two maraschino cherries--each? (A beat) You know that dye will kill ya!
PERCY We know. (He looks over and smiles at ZELDA. She smile back.) We're going
for it!
JOCK (Rolling his eyes.) Oh boy!
ZELDA This is exciting!
The waiter gives a thumbs up sign to PERCY and leaves with the order.
HEDDY Well, here we are; the four of us.
JOCK You know ZELDA, my roommate--(Reaches across the table and takes
PERCY'S hand.) is a real intellectual.
HEDDY (Taking her cue from JOCK, reaches across the table and takes ZELDA'S
hand.) And do you know, PERCY, that my roommate is also a very real
intellectual.
JOCK You two guys have a lot in common.
HEDDY You do! A lot!
PERCY I'm not an intellectual. It's just that my interests are different from that of
most people.
ZELDA The same with me.
PERCY (Heightened interest.) Really?
ZELDA Really. I mean, who else is interested in the historical significance of the
zither in relationship to the development of medieval eating habits?
PERCY (Open mouthed amazement. He begins nodding.) I am! I love the zither! I
own 16 of them. One by the great master, Zitherelli.
ZELDA (Her turn to be amazed.) You own a Zitherelli? (Percy is nodding and
smiling.) I can't believe it! I own a Stringolotti!
PERCY (Excited) A Giovonni Stringolotti?
ZELDA (Responding to Percy, she nods and smiles.) It's one of only six Giovonni
Stringolottis in existence!
PERCY (Unable to contain himself.) I don't believe it! My God! Do you know what I
give to own a Giovonni Stringolotti zither?
ZELDA (Caught up in the excitement.) What?
PERCY Only my soul! That's what!I would love to see it!
ZELDA Sure. I would love to show it to you sometime.
JOCK Tonight! Show it to him tonight!
HEDDY That's a super idea!
ZELDA Tonight? Why tonight?
PERCY (A dawning.) Of course! I think I know why.
JOCK ( Defensive and guilty.) What do you know, PERCY?
PERCY It suddenly dawns on me why this double date was arranged. You want me
out of the apartment tonight so you and--
ZELDA HARRIET FISH!
HEDDY That's HEDDY LA POISSON!
ZELDA Not when you are talking to me it isn't! You set this up with JAKE!
JOCK That's JOCK!
ZELDA The least you could have done was to be honest with me!
HEDDY (Embarrassed) Well, you don't approve of my life style.
ZELDA Life style? You call spending your night hanging out in places like this a
life style?
HEDDY (Angry) How I spend my evenings is none of your damn business!
ZELDA That's right, it isn't. If you place such a low value on yourself--sleeping with
a different guy every night--that's your business too! That is until--
HEDDY (Angrier) Until? Until--what?
ZELDA Until you involve me. That is just what you have done tonight.
JOCK (To the rescue.) Just a minute ZELDA! You can't talk to HEDDY like that!
PERCY Mind your own business JEROME! This is between HEDDY and ZELDA.
ZELDA Thank you PERCY.
HEDDY JOCK--why play games! Just tell PERCY to stay out of your apartment
tonight!
JOCK (Embarrassed) I can't do that.
HEDDY Why not?
JOCK PERCY owns the apartment. (A beat) what about you?
HEDDY What about me?
JOCK Why don't you tell ZELDA to go to a movie or something?
HEDDY (Embarrassed) She owns our apartment. ZELDA never lets me use the
apartment for--for--
ZELDA ...dirty, filthy sex!
JOCK Dirty, filthy sex? How can you say that? Sex is the ultimate expression of
love between a man and a woman.
PERCY Baloney!
JOCK What did you say?
PERCY I said baloney! You call picking up some floozy in a bar and ending up in bed
for a one-night-stand the ultimate expression of love?
HEDDY Who are you calling a floozy?
PERCY Nothing personal. (Back to JOCK.) Do you think I want you bringing some
disease back to my apartment?
HEDDY Are you accusing me of having a disease? How do I know (Pointing to JOCK.)
he hasn't got something like--like--
ZELDA A social disease?
JOCK A social disease? I don't have a social disease!
ZELDA How do you know?
PERCY I insist that he gets a blood test every month. Either that or he gets out of my
apartment.
ZELDA (Another connection) I make HARRIET do the same thing.
HEDDY (Near tears) ZELDA! How could you embarrass me like this? I--I thought you
were my friend?
ZELDA (Softening) I am your friend HARRIET. I just feel the way PERCY does. I don't
want you to bring home a disease!
PERCY I'm sorry JEROME. Things are different now.
JOCK Different? How are they different? Don't I go for my monthly blood test?
PERCY That is good for the old diseases. I'm not sure it works for the new ones.
JOCK What new ones?
ZELDA Herpes for one. I understand it is not uncommon with sexually active people
like you and HARRIET.
PERCY (Nodding) True. How do I know you haven't got herpes? You never let me
look.
JOCK Let you look?
HEDDY directs a questioning look at JOCK. The first seeds of doubt have been
planted.
PERCY I guess I ruined your evening ZELDA.
ZELDA I was about to say the same thing to you--PERCY.
A romance is beginning to happen between PERCY and ZELDA.
PERCY You know ZELDA--on second thought--JEROME and HEDDY are
consenting adults. If they want to risk getting one of those diseases, well--
ZELDA Well, on second thought, why not. There must be a blood test for herpes
too. (A beat) Would you still like to see my Giovanni Stringolotti zither?
PERCY (Great expectations) When?
ZELDA Tonight.
PERCY Would I ever!
JOCK Does that mean (A beat) we can have the apartment?
PERCY Just for tonight.
HEDDY I can't believe it! Thanks; both of you.
(Blackout)
The time is later that same evening. We have a split stage. At stage right we see JOCK and HEDDY standing before the door leading to JOCK's apartment. He is searching, frantically, for his apartment key.
At stage left we see PERCY and ZELDA standing before the door leading to ZELDA's apartment. They hesitate going in. This situation is the first time for both of them.
A spotlight picks up JOCK and HEDDY as the action begins. A second spotlight, using a blue or green gel, dimly illuminates PERCY and ZELDA. The remain motionless during the exchange between JOCK and HEDDY.
At the conclusion of the action between JOCK and HEDDY, they freeze in position. The lighting is reversed. They are dimly illuminated by the blue or green gel spotlight. The white spotlight picks up PERCY and ZELDA as they begin their action.
JOCK (Turning his pockets inside out.) I know my apartment key is here, someplace!
HEDDY Are you sure you took it?
JOCK Sure I'm sure! Do you think I would forget it on a night like this?
(He laughs, nervously) It's your fault I'm having trouble finding it.
HEDDY My fault?
JOCK You are so beautiful! So sexy! All I can think about is the two of us in bed
together! How can I concentrate on finding my key? (He continues his,
increasingly, frantic search.)
HEDDY (From behind him, runs her fingers through his hair.) Kismet.
JOCK (Concentrating on his search) What?
HEDDY (Her hands are all over him.) I said, Kismet. That's Turkish for fate.
JOCK (Reacting to her touching.) Oh my God! Could I have given it to you?
HEDDY (Kissing his cheek.) What?
JOCK My apartment key!
HEDDY Why would you have done that?
JOCK The way things have been going tonight, I could have done anything!
HEDDY I know what you mean. That PERCY is just too much! Floozy! He called me a
floozy!
JOCK is about to begin a striptease in his desperate search for the missing
apartment key.
JOCK He didn't mean anything by that. You are a doll; a living doll and you are
driving me out of my mind! (Takes off his jacket.) Maybe it slipped into the
lining of my jacket?
After a fruitless search, he grows more frantic. The jacket is dropped to the floor.
HEDDY (Still focusing on PERCY.) He didn't huh! What about that crack he made?
There is a heightened level of desperation in JOCK's search for the key. He is becoming less and less tuned into HEDDY's comments. He takes off his shoes.
JOCK Maybe I stuck it in my shoes? What crack? (Shakes out his shoes.)
HEDDY is beginning to focus more and more on her anger with PERCY and ZELDA.
HEDDY The one about bringing home a disease. Who the hell did he think you would
get it from?--Me?
JOCK's socks come off in his increasing desperation.
JOCK Maybe it's in my socks! (Turning to HEDDY) My God! I've got to have you!
(Back to his socks.) Not here! Where!? Where!?
HEDDY (Getting angrier as she thinks about PERCY and ZELDA.) ZELDA is no
better! Making me go for my monthly blood tests! No apartment is worth
that! Herpes! She practically accused me of having Herpes!
His tie is next. Rationality has gone out the window in his growing, blind passion.
JOCK Maybe, it got caught in the lining of my tie! (The tie ends upon the floor.)
HEDDY PERCY practically accused you of having herpes too! You don't, do you?
JOCK unbuttons his shirt and takes it off.
JOCK I can't wait much longer! Inside my shirt? (To HEDDY) What?
HEDDY Do--do you have it? Be honest with me!
JOCK (Continuing to search) I wouldn't lie to you! I have it! I have it!
His pants come off.
HEDDY PERCY was right!
JOCK (Nearly crazy, turns his pants inside out.) Not here! I'm going to die!
HEDDY Well, you're not going to take me with you!
JOCK stands in his underwear. Agony is written all over his face. He has no idea what HEDDY is talking about.
JOCK What? What did you say?
HEDDY (Points a finger in accusation.) You've got herpes.
JOCK Herpes? I don't have herpes!
HEDDY You just said you did! Your very words were, "I have it! I have it!"
At this very moment JOCK discovers his key. It has fallen through a hole in the watch-pocket of his pants and into the inside front of his underwear shorts. He is so elated that he is distracted by HEDDY's accusation. He reaches down, into the front of his shorts.
JOCK (Elated) It's here!
HEDDY (Icy) That's where it generally is!
JOCK holds up the key with relief and anticipation.
JOCK The key! I found the key! It must have fallen through a hole in the watch-
pocket of my pants. Now we can get into my apartment and we can--
HEDDY On second thought, I think I will go to a movie. Alone!
Lights change. JOCK and HEDDY freeze in position. The white spotlight pick up PERCY and ZELDA nervously engaged in conversation.
ZELDA This is my apartment.
PERCY This is a hallway. You live in a hallway?
ZELDA No, silly. My apartment is on the other side of the door.
PERCY I knew that. Eh--Do you want to bring it out?
ZELDA Bring it out?
PERCY Your Giovonni Stringolotti zither.
ZELDA I think that would be best. (She is about to unlock the door and stops.) I
just remembered. I can't.
PERCY Why not?
ZELDA It's my insurance. The Stringolotti is only covered so long as it remains in my
apartment. I'm afraid you will have to come in.
PERCY Maybe, I can see it through the window.
ZELDA I'm on the 21st floor. Look, you don't have to come in if you don't want too!
ZELDA turns to unlock the door.
PERCY Wait!
ZELDA What?
PERCY My shoelace! It's untied!
ZELDA You're wearing loafers.
PERCY I forgot. I think it's all the excitement we had tonight. My apartment used as
a--
ZELDA (Sympathetic) Are you worried about--about--you know.
PERCY (nodding, nervously) Those kind of diseases have always terrified me. That's
why I never indulged in--you know.
ZELDA The same with me. Except, with me there is another thing.
PERCY Besides getting a social disease? What?
ZELDA Licorice.
PERCY Licorice?
ZELDA The reason I'm a--a virgin is partly due to licorice. (A beat) Did I shock you?
PERCY I'll get over it. Go on. What about licorice?
ZELDA It's not a very long story.
PERCY I'd like to hear it.
ZELDA I feel I can talk to you. I could never do that with a man before.
PERCY Do you know-- Do you know--
ZELDA What?
PERCY I feel the same about you. I mean--women have alway made me nervous.
ZELDA Do I make you nervous?
PERCY You did at first but not now. What--what about me?
ZELDA What about you?
PERCY Do I make you nervous?
ZELDA Not any more.
PERCY What about licorice and--and--
ZELDA My being a virgin? (PERCY nods his head) When I was twelve years old I went
to a party. They played spin the bottle. You know, that kissing game. (PERCY
nods his head.) There was this boy--about thirteen, with pimples--who had
to kiss me. He was eating one of those twisty licorice whips.
PERCY Yuck!
ZELDA Wait until you hear this. He had chewed that long, licorice whip down until it
was short and twisty and slobbery.
PERCY Sounds disgusting.
ZELDA It was. That's how I remember it, anyway. When he kissed me, he--he stuck
his tongue in my mouth. It was covered with licorice. All I could picture was
that short, twisty, slobbery thing he held in his hand. I got sick to my stomach.
PERCY I don't blame you. I mean, that on top of social diseases is enough to make
anybody remain a virgin. Just social diseases was enough for me.
ZELDA (Sighing) We have a lot in common don't we. We've kept our virginity and our
health.
PERCY At least we don't have to worry about our having any of those social diseases.
ZELDA You know PERCY, there have been times when I've thought that it has been
a very high price to pay.
PERCY I know what you mean. Those urges creep up on me at the strangest times.
ZELDA glances down at PERCY 's fly.
ZELDA Like--now?
PERCY How did you know? (He follows her eyes down to his fly.) I'm embarrassed.
ZELDA Don't be. I'm feeling the same urge, only you can't see it on me.
PERCY (New courage) Well, I know you don't have any social diseases.
ZELDA And I know you don't either.
PERCY I hate licorice.
ZELDA (Smiling) Do you still want to see my Giovonni Stringolotti zither?
PERCY On second thought, do you think we can deal with our urges first?
(Blackout)
