The Ronald Reagan years. Those were the days my friends for having fun with a president with a great sense of humor (sometimes). Ronald Reagan has become a Republican icon but during his presidency he was hardly that for many citizens. Known for his napping, Reagan would come across to many Americans as an occasional day-dreamer.
Dateline: Washington, October 6, 1968
(actual)
(From The New York Times)—President Reagan, responding defensively to conservative criticism, said today that he was opening negotiations with Michael S. Gorbachev “without illusions” about the Soviet Union.
*
FIRST STRIKE CAPABILITIES
by
Bob Flicker
cast
RONALD REAGAN
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV
SCENE: This is a summit meeting between the two leaders of the United States and The Soviet Union. They sit across from each other at a conference table. They each wear headphones from which they receive simultaneous translations from unseen interpreters.
GORBACHEV As agreed Mr. President, we will confine our discussions to first strike capabilities.
REAGAN Would you care to qualify that Mr. Secretary.
GOBACHEV Mr. President, in 1989 your Trident submarines will be armed D-5, long-range
missiles.
REAGAN How did you know that?
GORBACHEV Mr. President, these missiles will give the United States a first strike capability while
your Trident submarines remain, virtually free from retaliation.
REAGAN Don’t think that we are unaware of your development of two, mobile ICBMs. The SS-22 and the SS-23.
GORBACHEV I believe you are referring to the SS-24 and the SS-25.
REAGAN I am?
GORBACHEV Without question.
REAGAN Never very good at remembering numbers.
GORBACHEV Your D-5s leave us little choice but accelerate development and deployment of the SS-24 and SS-25.
REAGAN Don’t forget, Mr. Secretary, the Soviet Union at this very moment has ICBMs that have the ability to hit our missile silos. I would say that you already have first strike capability.
GORBACHEV (Wagging his finger.) Never, never for a first strike! They are to be used only for self-defense.
REAGAN I assume, Mr. Secretary, that you are intimating that the United States of America would launch a first strike against the Soviet Union.
GORBACHEV Who else—Liechtenstein?
REAGAN Let me assure you Mr. Secretary, the Soviet Union need not worry about a first strike rom my country. The United States of America would never—and I repeat—never start a nuclear war!
GOBACHEV Mr. President, it isn’t that I don’t believe you. It’s my generals. They don’t believe you.
REAGAN Are we to be so naïve as to believe that the Soviet Union would not launch a first
strike if you thought you could get away with it?
GORBACHEV I see you don’t trust me.
REAGAN Mr. Secretary, it isn't that I don't trust you. It's my generals, they don't trust you.
GORBACHEV Look Ron—May I call you Ron?
REAGAN Only when there are no reporters around.
GORBACHEV Ron, let’s face it! This arms race is going to bankrupt both our countries.
REAGAN Mr. Secretary—
GORBACHEV Call me Mikhail.
REAGAN Well, eh—eh—what the hell! Why not! Michael—
GOBACHEV (Breaking in) That’s Mikhail.
REAGAN I thought I said Mikhail.
GORBACHEV No, you said Michael.
REAGAN (Lowering his voice) Confidentially, do you have any idea how much we will spend
on just the navy by 1990?
GORBACHEV One trillion dollars.
REAGAN How did you know that?
GORBACHEV I read it in The Wall Street Journal.
REAGAN There are no questions that our defense costs are staggering—but we have the
wealth to do it.
GORBACHEV Ron—it’s me, Mikhail you are talking too, not the American voters. Both of our
countries are going broke.
REAGAN That’s an American expression.
GORBACHEV Yes. I read it in The Wall Street Journal.
REAGAN What do you propose?
GORBACHEV An inexpensive arms policy called MAD.
REAGAN Mad?
GORBACHEV Yes. It stands for MUTUAL AFFORDABLE DESTRUCTION.
REAGAN Sounds reasonable. Exactly what does it mean?
GORBACHEV Look at it from each of our points of view.
REAGAN I’ll try.
GORBACHEV You spend hundreds of billions of dollars to develop a weapons system. That means
we have to spend hundreds of billions rubles to match it.
REAGAN Can’t argue with that.
GORBACHEV Then, you spend hundreds of billions of dollars to build a more advanced weapons
system that makes your first system obsolete.
REAGAN (Shaking his head) That’s billions down the ole tube all right.
GORBACHEV Then, we spend hundreds of billions of rubles to develop a more advanced weapons
system to match or better yours. This, of course, means that our previous system is
now obsolete. That’s billions of rubles down the ole tube.
REAGAN You learned that expression from The Wall Street Journal?
GORBACHEV No. Just now from you. Tell me Ron, where does it stop?
REAGAN To tell you the truth Michael—
GORBACHEV That is Mikhail!
REAGAN Would have sworn I said Mikhail. To tell you the truth, I haven‘t thought that far ahead.
GORBACHEV Take a few moments and do it.
REAGAN Do it?
GORBACHEV Do it.
REAGAN (Thinking) Do what?
GORBACHEV Think of all those billions of dollars and rubles we wasting in our arms race.
REAGAN (Rests his chin on his hands and closes his eyes.)
GORBACHEV (After waiting several minutes.) Well, Ron?…Ron?…Mr. President?
SEVERAL LOUD SNORES ESCAPE FROM THE PRESIDENT.
GORBACHEV (Shaking Reagan’s shoulder.) Ron!
REAGAN (Awakens with a start.) You said something?
GORBACHEV I said, Ron.
REAGAN (Not fully awake) Any reporters around?
GORBACHEV Ron, I have a first strike capability plan based on our mutual distrust for each other
that can save both our countries hundreds of billions.
REAGAN I will consider any reasonable proposal.
GORBACHEV Why should you and I have to worry that one of us will launch a first strike against
each other’s major cities?
REAGAN You can bet that I would love not to have that worry.
GORBACHEV (Exuberant) Your worries are over and so are mine!
REAGAN How?
GORBACHEV Simple.
REAGAN Simple?
GORBACHEV Simple but ingenious. Guaranteed to save us hundreds of billions.
REAGAN How?
GORBACHEV You are going to love it. (Pinches Reagan’s cheeks.)
REAGAN (Rubbing his cheeks.) I am?
GORBACHEV Of course.
REAGAN Tell me your plan already!
GORBACHEV My plan requires that each of us keep just one atomic ICBM The rest we destroy.
REAGAN What good is one ICBM? That wouldn’t deter either one of us. It’s the total destruction
of each other that has kept either one of from starting anything. Not that we would.
Knowing that our cities would be devastated has kept the peace.
GORBACHEV Who said anything about our cities.
REAGAN Not…our cities?
GORBACHEV No. That is the beauty of the plan.
REAGAN Whose cities?
GORBACHEV That we can decide.
REAGAN We are going to decide that other countries’ cities might be destroyed
GORBACHEV Exactly.
REAGAN What other countries?
GORBACHEV We each pick a country we care most about.
REAGAN I don’t get it.
GORBACHEV Think of one country the United States cares most about
REAGAN (Thinking) Off hand…I would say Canada.
GORBACHEV Good. And for the Soviet Union—the country we feel closest to—although we love all
our communist comrades—a country we feel is like part of us is, of course, Poland.
REAGAN Now what?
GORBACHEV I ask you the question. Do you want Toronto to be hit by one of our ICBMs?
REAGAN Of course not!
GORBACHEV Would I want Warsaw obliterated by one your ICBMs? Of course not! The Polish
peoples are our brothers and sisters. We love them like ourselves.
REAGAN Now, let me get this clear in my head. What you are proposing is that we let other
countries take the risk of a first strike and retaliation.
GORBACHEV Countries we both love like we love ourselves. Countries whose pain is our pain.
Countries whose suffering is our suffering. Countries who—
REAGAN (Interrupting) I get your point!
GORBACHEV (All business) We can no longer afford to endanger our own cities.
REAGAN As far as you are concerned it’s O.K. to destroy Toronto and Warsaw?
GORBACHEV What risk? Is the United States going to launch a first strike?
REAGAN Absolutely not!
GORBACHEV Is the Soviet Union going to launch a first strike? And I answer you with your own
words. Absolutely not! Therefore, there is no danger to Toronto and Warsaw.
REGAN You’ve got a point. (Thinking) Then, why bother with other countries and just keep
the status quo?
GORBACHEV We must consider the possibilities of an accident.
REAGAN An accident?
GORBACHEV Have you heard of LAUNCH ON WARNING?
REAGAN Was that in The Wall Street Journal?
GORBACHEV No, Pravda.
REAGAN That’s one paper I don’t get.
GORBACHEV Launch On Warning is a policy being considered to launch our ICBMs at the first hint
that we might be under attack.
REAGAN But—suppose that hint is a mistake?
GORBACHEV (Shrugging his shoulders) Too late! As it now stands, Washington, New York, and
several dozen other American cities would be destroyed. With my plan, only Toronto
would be destroyed.
REAGAN Only Toronto! Only Toronto! That’s terrible! We would never let you get away with
that!
GORBACHEV We wouldn’t expect you to let us get away with it. That is the beauty of my MAD plan.
You launch your ICBM and wipe out Warsaw.
REAGAN (Shocked) Wipe out Warsaw?
GORBACHEV We of the Soviet Union would feel great anguish for our Polish comrades. In our
hearts we will bleed for them. Yet—they would have given their lives for a great and
noble cause.
REAGAN Great and noble cause? What great and noble cause?
GORBACHEV (Again, pinches Reagan’s cheeks) Peace!
REAGAN (Rubbing his cheeks) Peace? How do you figure that one?
GORBACHEV In the example I just gave you, we made a mistake and you retaliated. Then—it
would be over. Of course, there would be no more Toronto or Warsaw but the affair
would be finished and we will have peace. A small price to pay.
REAGAN If we launch our ICBM by accident we wipe out Warsaw.
GORBACHEV (Smiling) You have the idea.
REAGAN Then, you launch your ICBM and obliterate Toronto.
GORBACHEV Exactly. Then, we have peace. No more retaliations.
REAGAN Then what?
GORSBACHEV We each build one ICBM and find new friends.
REAGAN What happens if we run out of friends?
GORBACHEV Then, we will have problems again.
END