New Handbook for Open-Carry

Handbook for Open-Carry Guns

--Short-Man Edition--



Bob Flicker 

A Writers Ghosts 








Welcome, Short-Man, Upon Your First Venturing Out Fully Armed


You will probably be a little nervous fully armed. That is a normal feeling. If you have an anxious personality it is important to consider two things: First, look in a full-length mirror. How do you see yourself?  Admit it! Like Napoleon, you are short. Do you feel self-conscious about your height? Do not be! Napoleon claimed to be five feet, six inches tall. He lied. He was really five feet, four inches short. Look what he accomplished. He had an army. You will have your guns.



Second, it is time to choose your long gun. This is a very important decision, particularly for a short person like you.





Go big! A person five feet four or shorter needs a big long gun to get attention. The bigger and more menacing your gun the better you will feel.



Pay particular attention to the sling. This is your opportunity to advertise and let those around you know you are somebody special. Pork or beef blood smeared on it makes such a statement. If you can afford it, semi precious stones formed into a skull and crossbones warns those around you that you are not somebody to be trifled with.




A 9mm automatic sitting in a holster belted to the small of your back will impress those in your company. Be sure to act casual. Find reason to turn around a number of times so that everyone will see your 9mm.




You will add “icing on the cake” when you slip a small, hidden derringer out of your sleeve and wave it around before placing it back up your sleeve.





Since this is your first time out, fully armed, it would be best to avoid bars and bowling alleys until you have had more exposure and experience. It is suggest that you try a busy pizza parlor to practice on. You should be alerted that even a pizza parlor could be a little troublesome.



Letters To The Editor



Dear Sir:


         I followed the advice given to me in Chapter 1 of your HANDBOOK for OPEN-CARRY...Short-Man Edition. I went to a busy pizza parlor carrying a very big long gun on a sling over my shoulder. I had a 9mm automatic pistol in a holster belted to the small of my back and I took a derringer from my sleeve and waved it about. When I turned around to let everybody see my 9mm the chef hit me over the head with a rolling pin and I wound up in the hospital.


Where did I go wrong?






Dear Confused.


Never turn your back on a chef.









You are now ready to move up to small to medium sized bars. The first thing you will notice is that everybody has a long gun slung over their shoulder and a handgun on their hip or back including some women. It is important to note the early, heavy drinkers and their behavior.


Remember! You are a short person! Do not attempt to match drinks with a big person. He can stay sober longer than you and shoot you.


Letters To The Editor


Dear Sir:


         I took your advice in your HANDBOOK FOR OPEN-CARRY...Short-Man Edition, Chapter 2. I did not attempt to match drinks with the big guy at the bar. I was sober and ready for him when he became nasty. I had my 9mm pointed at his gut before he could draw his sidearm.


         I didn’t know that his mother was the bartender. She hit me over the head with a full bottle of 20 year-old scotch and over-charged me for it. I don’t even drink scotch.


I will be out of the hospital in two days,




 Where did I go wrong?



Dear Confused,

A mother can come out of anywhere, even from behind the bar. Next time, don’t turn your back on the bartender, particularly an old lady.









By now you should be a pro. Chances are you haven’t killed anyone in self-defense. It’s time for that to change if the situation warrants it. Remember, the law is on your side. Choose a Spanish-speaking refugee camp along our southern border. Refugee camps are very likely to be filled with undocumented aliens who are probably rapists, drug dealers and other criminal types, even the kids. Look for a big male and shoot him. You will not be blamed for standing your ground and the experience will prove to be invaluable for you and your self-confidence.

 Letters To The Editor


Dear Sir:

         Please excuse my e-mail since I am typing with my left hand through blurry eyesight. My right arm has been broken as well as my left leg. My eyesight is blurry due to two black eyes. I took the advice given in Chapter 3 in your HANDBOOK FOR OPEN-CARRY...Short-Man Edition.

         I went to a Spanish-speaking refugee camp and picked out a big guy speaking Spanish. He looked like an undocumented, criminal alien to me. I stood my ground and unslung my big, semi-automatic rifle and placed the red dot of my laser sight right between his eyes from a distance of six feet. As per my training, I held my breath and slowly squeezed the trigger and—missed! That’s all I remember until I was in the ambulance.

Where did I go wrong?

                                                          - Confused

Dear Confused,

You probably needed more target practice. 

- Editor


One Year Later 






You are short but by now you should be comfortable with your open-carry big gun. Women will be impressed. You are a wimp no longer. Arm yourself and pick out the woman you want. Now, with your long gun slung over your shoulder, your 9mm holstered at the small of your back and your derringer popping in and out of your sleeve, go for a really big, sexy woman. She will be putty in your hands.








Dear Sir,


         This will be my last letter. I followed your advice in your HANDBOOK FOR OPEN-CARRY...Short-Man Edition. I took my long gun and tried to seduce a really big, sexy woman who turned out not to be putty in my hands. The doctors say that due to the rupture I sustained from being kneed by Large Leena I will no longer be able to lift my long gun.

Where did I go wrong?


- Painfully Confused



Dear Painfully Confused,

Unfortunately open-carry of a long gun, a 9mm and a hidden derringer are no protection against a knee to the groin, particularly if you are short and she is big.


Nice try. We will miss you.

- Editor 

Bob Flicker

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 © robert 2014