7/1/87
Bob Flicker
Cast
LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD
PAUL PIOUS
SCENE:
Interior of a Right to Life, abortion, counseling clinic. The exterior sign reads (in large letters) ABORTIONS. At the bottom of the sign (in very small letters) is the rest of the message that reads: Are The Devil’s Work—Counseling Service, Inc. A very, pregnant, young woman enters. Seated at a desk is PAUL PIOUS, the counselor.
RED I want an abortion!
PIOUS You are pregnant?
RED What do you think I got here—my dirty laundry?
PIOUS Welcome to Abortions Are The Devil’s Work—Counseling
Service, Inc.
RED Your sign said abortions, nothing about that other stuff.
PIOUS It was in small print at the bottom.
RED My eyesight isn’t that good. I only have 20/20.
PIOUS No matter. My name is Paul Pious.
RED You got relatives in Rome?
PIOUS Cute.
RED Look Pope—
PIOUS (Interrupting) That’s Pious!
RED You’re a doctor, right?
PIOUS Wrong.
RED Who’s gonna do the job?
PIOUS So, you want to commit murder!
RED Yeah! On the one who did this to me.
PIOUS Forget having an abortion. There is something else you should
do.
RED What should I do?
PIOUS (Sarcastic) You know, I see hundreds of lustful females like
you. They all ask the same question.
RED What do you tell them?
PIOUS First, I tell them that they will burn in hell!
RED I’m sure that helps.
PIOUS (Warming up to his job) Then, I tell them that although they
have sinned mightily—I will be their savior.
RED Savior?
PIOUS A figure of speech. I am here to save the fetus.
RED I can’t have it!
PIOUS (Angry) It! It! Is that the way you refer to that innocent, little life
whose heart beats within your womb?
RED Look Pope—
PIOUS (Interrupting) That’s Pious!
RED Pope—Pious—What’s the difference?
PIOUS (For a moment, warms to the idea) Pope Pious…hmmm.
RED It would never work out!
PIOUS (Still pondering Pope Pius) You are right. I would have to
become a priest first.
RED Well, do it on your own time. I can’t have it!
PIOUS I am pleading with you to save God’s creation.
RED God had nothing to do with it.
PIOUS Blasphemer! I am referring to that miracle of life within you.
You act as if you were going to give birth to an—an—animal!
RED Well, you’re half right.
PIOUS Are you some kind a—a weirdo? Who are you?
RED I might as well tell you. I think the Inquirer got the story.
PIUS Story? What story? (A beat) What is your name?
RED Little Red Ridinghood.
PIUS (Disbelief) No!
RED Yes.
PIUS The—Little Red Ridinghood?
RED Do you think I would make up a name like that? Sally or
Mildred wasn’t good enough for them!
PIOUS If you are Little Red Ridinghood—where is your red hood and
cape?
RED Moths.
PIUS Moths?
RED Even ate the mothballs.
PIUS Disgusting!
RED You know what else they ate?
PIUS Never mind! (A beat) The father! Who is the father?
RED You’re not going to believe this.
PIOUS You are not going to tell me it was—
RED You got it.
PIOUS (In shock) The—the—wolf?
RED Blows your mind—don’t it.
PIUS Impossible!
RED That’s what I thought when he came on to me.
PIOUS (Near tears) Little Red Ridinghood (A beat) how could you do
this to me?
RED What did I do to you?
PIOUS (Reaching out) You were always pure, Little Red Ridinghood.
Ever since I was a little child—you were my first and only love!
RED (Backing off) Watch it toots! Lay one hand on me and you’ll get
a knee to the filberts!
PIUS Please! You don’t understand. I—I just want to know what
happened.
RED Well, I was taking my usual route—
PIUS …from your mother’s house, through the woods, to your
grandmother’s house, right?
RED Right. I was carrying a basket with—
PIUS …goodies your mother made to take to your sick grandmother.
Right?
RED Goodies? Yeah, I guess you could call that stuff goodies.
PIUS Stuff?
RED Moonshine. White-Lightening.
PIUS (Disbelief—Shock) Moonshine? White-Lightening?
RED Yeah. Mama operated the still and—
PIUS Still?
RED Yeah. Papa did it until the revenuers grabbed him. Then,
Mama took over.
PIUS (Growing shock) My Little Red Ridinghood—a—a bootlegger!
RED It was a living. Anyways, I had to make my regular deliveries to
—
PIUS (Nearly overcome) Your mother made moonshine and you
made the deliveries?
RED Look! I’m an only child. Who else could do it?
PIUS I’m almost afraid to ask the next question.Who—who did you
deliver to?
RED Grandma
PIUS I was afraid of that.
RED Grandma handled distribution on her side of the woods.
PIUS (Trance-like shock) On her side. Who did the distribution on
your side?
RED Little Black Sambo.
PIUS Is he still around? I—I thought he lived in the jungle.
RED It isn’t exactly sunshine and roses in the woods, you know. It’s
a jungle out there.
PIUS What about your…eh…sweet, old grandmother?
RED Grandma was getting to be a problem.
PIUS A problem?
RED Yeah. Grandma became a lush.
PIUS Your sweet, little grandmother a…a…drunk?
RED She wasn’t so sweet after a couple of pints of cornlikker.
PIUS Are you trying to tell me that in the story, when you bring a
basket of…eh…goodies to your sick grandmother she was—
was—
RED Drunk as a skunk.
PIUS I can’t believe this is happening to me!
RED Now you know how I felt when I missed my—
PIUS (Shouting) Never mind! When—when you knocked on the door
of her cottage…who said come in?
RED At that point in time I thought it was Grandma.
PIUS But it wasn’t Grandma…was it?
RED No. It was—
PIUS …the big bad wolf!
RED As it turned out, he wasn’t so bad.
PIUS The story! Stick to the story!
RED O.K.! It was the wolf!
PIUS He was in Grandma’s bed, disguised in her nightgown and
nightcap. Right?
RED You sure know the story.
PIOUS The expurgated version, it seems.
RED Yeah. It was sure cleaned up by the time it got to you.
PIOUS There are things I must know.
RED Yeah?
PIOUS When you said, “Grandma, what big eyes you have!” weren’t
you suspicious?
RED It wasn’t the big eyes that made me suspicious.
PIOUS No?
RED No. Cornlikker has that effect on Grandma. It was something
else that made me suspicious.
PIOUS What?
RED Well, here I am leaning over someone I thought was Grandma
and—
PIOUS Yes? Yes?
RED Those big eyes were staring straightdown my open blouse.
Grandma would never have done that.
PIOUS I should hope not. What about that part when you said, “What
a big nose you have!”
RED I was really referring to its color.
PIOUS Its color?
RED Grandma’s got a schnoz that looks like a small salami, only
redder.
PIOUS I am almost afraid to ask the next question.
RED You’re going to ask me about the part where I said,
“Grandma…what sharp teeth you have!” Right?
PIOUS Yes. Surely you were suspicious then?
RED By then, I had it figured out.
PIOUS That’s when the wolf jumped out of bed and tried to eat you?
RED There was some foreplay first.
PIOUS Foreplay? Oh, my God! What about your poor grandmother?
RED She was in the closet.
PIOUS I know that! Weren’t you concerned about her cowering,
alone, in the closet?
RED First of all, she wasn’t alone. Second of all, what she was
doing was not cowering.
PIOUS I know I am going to hate myself for asking. Was there
someone in the closet with Grandma?
RED They both were.
PIOUS Both?
RED The two woodcutters.
PIOUS The two woodcutters who were supposed to rescue you and
your grandmother from the wolf?
RED Is that the way it was in your version?
PIOUS Yes. I assume that isn’t the way it was.
RED Right. Grandma was making them very happy.
PIOUS Happy?
RED Yeah. Imagine if you had been in the woods for a whole
month, just chopping trees.
PIOUS I’m not up to it.
RED Well, they sure were. Grandma sold them two quarts of
moonshine and made a little extra on the side.
PIOUS But—who rescued you?
RED Even a wolf gets tired.
PIOUS That’s when it happened?
RED Yeah. When he found out I was pregnant, he offered to do the
right thing.
PIOUS You mean…the wolf offered to marry you?
RED Yeah. But I turned him down.
PIOUS Because he was a wolf?
RED No. Because of religious differences.
PIOUS Religious differences?
RED Yeah. I discovered he was Jewish.
PIOUS The wolf was—Jewish?
RED It might have worked if he wasn’t so religious.
PIOUS So religious?
RED Yeah. He didn’t want me to make deliveries on Saturdays.
Saturdays are my best days.
PIOUS Little Red Ridinghood! The one female I was able to believe in!
You let me down.
RED Don’t lay it on me Pious.
PIOUS (Knee jerk response) That’s pope! (Stops to figure that one
out)
RED This wasn’t exactly Immaculate Conception you know.
PIOUS (Thinking) It isn’t too late to save your reputation! The world
will never know!
RED What?
PIOUS (Pondering) Yes! Yes! There is a way!
RED What way?
PIOUS The abortion way!
RED But… you have convinced me to keep it!
PIOUS (Wild-Eyed) You can’t have it!
RED It’s too late! All the abortion clinics have been bombed!
PIOUS There is one left! You will get your abortion today and I will
bomb it tomorrow!
BLACKOUT