I wrote and produced this sketch regarding the high costs of apartment rentals 27 years ago! Twenty-seven years later the circumstances are as bad or worse. Cities have become unaffordable, particularly for young people, unless they are lucky enough to find that rare, relatively inexpensive, rent-controlled apartment. Do miracles still happen?
FINAL ARRANGEMENTS is about two such people who find themselves with a dilemma. They have their fabulous, rent controlled apartment but—they have decided they can no longer live together. Who gets the apartment?
FINAL ARRANGEMENTS
written by:
Bob Flicker
8/11/86
cast
THAXTON PIN
PENNY ADAMS
SCENE:
The apartment living room of THAXTON PIN and PENNY ADAMS. They have been living together for eight years. Tonight, they have come to the painful conclusion that their relationship is over.
THAXTON You know how much I love you, don’t you Penny?
PENNY Of course I do Thaxton. And you know how much I worship
the very ground you walk on, my beloved.
THAXTON Eight years. Can you believe that we have been together for
eight years?
PENNY And two months—
THAXTON Three weeks—
TOGETHER And four days. (THEY BURST OUT LAUGHING)
PENNY I forgot how many hours and minutes.
THAXTON That’s O.K. What is important is that we both remember all
those precious moments we shared together.
PENNY (SIGHS) I can’t believe that it’s all over between us.
THAXTON I know. (WIPES AWAY A TEAR) It’s for the best.
PENNY (FIGHTING BACK TEARS) For the very best.
THAXTON You were right.
PENNY We were each free to stay or leave.
THAXTON No legal shackles.
PENNY Eight wonderful years together. Now—(STIFLES A SOB)
now it’s over.
THAXTON We will always have our memories.
PENNY (PICKS UP STUFFED BEAR) Remember, you won this at
Coney Island. Our very first date. Here, I want you to have it.
THAXTON I know how much it meant to you. You keep it.
PENNY Thank you Thaxton. (SHE BREAKS DOWN).
THAXTON (HE PICKS UP A BOOK, OPENS IT) Our pressed wild
flowers. That first summer together.
PENNY The Vermont woods. It was our Garden of Eden.
THAXTON (HANDING HER THE BOOK) It’s yours.
PENNY You picked them. Buttercups and daisies.
THAXTON But you pressed them.
PENNY (THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK) Thaxton,
Thaxton—you are so sweet! So generous!
THAXTON (KISSES PENNY AND THEN LOOKS INTO HER EYES)
Whatever I am I owe to you.
Penny gently pushes away from Thaxton and goes to a chest-of-drawers. She opens the top drawer and removes a picture frame containing a medical report.
PENNY This is for you darling. I had it framed.
THAXTON (LOOKING AT FRAMED MEDICAL REPORT) Oh Penny. I’m
touched. Really touched.
PENNY I was hoping you would like it.
THAXTON Like it! I love it! You know how relieved I was when we got it.
(READING FROM FRAMED REPORT) "The results of your
test for pregnancy are negative."
PENNY You weren’t any more relieved than I was.
Thaxton goes to the chest-of-drawers and opens a second drawer. He returns with their joint savings account passbook.
THAXTON Our savings account passbook. $15,222.09. Half for you
and half for me.
PENNY Oh Thaxton, I can’t let you do that. You put in much more
than I did.
THAXTON (PLACES HIS INDEX FINGER OVER HER LIPS) Hush. It’s
the way I want it to be.
PENNY (REMOVES A GOLD CHAIN FROM AROUND HER NECK)
This is for you. I know how you always admired it.
THAXTON Penny, my darling Penny—I don’t know what to say.
PENNY Since when did we need words to express our feelings to
each other.
THAXTON There is nothing much left for us to decide about, is there?
PENNY No sweetheart. You have been so generous.
THAXTON Not nearly as generous as you.
PENNY How can you say that? You, my dearest have given me
everything that was important to you.
THAXTON I could say the same thing about you.
PENNY (BITTER LAUGH) Our friends will never be able to
figure out why we are splitting.
THAXTON They call us the perfect couple.
PENNY Romeo and Juliet.
THAXTON Antony and Cleopatra
PENNY You know darling, even I have trouble figuring it out.
THAXTON Do you know how many times I have said to myself, ever
since we decided to break up, “Thaxton Pin,” I said, “are
you crazy?”
PENNY Yet—it has to be. But—why? What is it that has crept into
our relationship after eight, glorious years?
THAXTON I don’t know. Whatever it is, is probably my fault.
PENNY If it is anybody’s fault, it’s mine.
Tearfully, they fall into each other’s arms.
THAXTON Why Penny—why?
PENNY It’s bigger than both of us. I—I wish I knew.
They draw apart.
THAXTON (LOOKING AROUND THE APARTMENT) Look at our
apartment. For eight years everything in it was ours. Now—
it’s all divided up. Some your, some mine.
PENNY You were too generous Thaxton.
THAXTON I was generous? I received more than I gave.
They stand, staring at each other.
PENNY (SIGHING) All that’s left are the final arrangements.
THAXTON (LAUGHS) There. You did it again.
PENNY What did I do?
THAXTON Know what I was thinking. You always seem to know what I
am thinking. I guess that is what real love is all about.
PENNY Real love. That’s what we had.
THAXTON (CORRECTING) Have.
PENNY Have. (PAUSES IN THOUGHT) Thaxton? What were you
thinking?
THAXTON (LAUGHING) That’s another reason why I love you so much.
Always kidding.
PENNY (GETTING SERIOUS) I’m not kidding. What were you
thinking?
THAXTON (GETTING SERIOUS) I was thinking that all that is left are
the final arrangements. Except, I took care of them.
PENNY (MORE SERIOUS) You took care of—what?
THAXTON (FORCED GOOD HUMOR) The final arrangements.
PENNY Thaxton, I have a feeling that the final arrangements that
you are thinking about are not the final arrangements that I
am thinking about.
THAXTON (SERIOUS) What final arrangements are you thinking about?
PENNY I am thinking about the final arrangements dealing with this
apartment.
THAXTON (FORCED LAUGH) That’s true love. So am I.
This is the moment of truth. Game playing is about to come to an end.
PENNY If you recall Thaxton, I was the one who found this
apartment. I mean, it was a real miracle that I pulled off.
THAXTON It was a miracle. I remember saying to you, “Penny, who
else could have found a rent controlled, six room, duplex
apartment on Central Park West on the 30th floor,
overlooking the park for $899 a month?”
PENNY (RELAXING A BIT) It’s a talent I have. You can’t beat the
location.
THAXTON 77th Street on the park. Steps away from Lincoln Center.
It's the best.
PENNY With utilities and central air conditioning included.
THAXTON Two wood burning fireplaces.
PENNY A 30-foot terrace.
TOGETHER A real miracle.
A long silence as the stare at each other.
THAXTON That wasn’t the only miracle.
PENNY (SUSPICIOUS) It wasn’t?
THAXTON No. There was another one. maybe, bigger than your
miracle. (A BEAT) My miracle.
PENNY (FIRST SIGN OF ANGER) Your miracle? I don’t remember
your miracle!
THAXTON How come your memory is going bad all of asudden?
PENNY There is nothing wrong with my memory. I just don't
remember any goddamned miracle that you pulled off.
THAXTON You know Penny, that is really funny. Well, let me refresh
your failing memory.
PENNY My memory isn’t failing. It certainly doesn’t need any
refreshing from you!
THAXTON Oh yeah!
PENNY Yeah!
THAXTON You remember the super of this building? The one who
died?
PENNY Stanislaus Thanopopandropoulous
THAXTON Good. Very Good. Do you remember what Stanislaus
Thanopopandropoulous wanted for the key to this
apartment?
PENNY Money.
THAXTON You are getting warm. How much money?
PENNY $5000
THAXTON Good. Your memory is working again. Did you have $5000?
PENNY You know damn well that I didn’t have $5000.
THAXTON You didn’t but I did. That was my miracle. Without my
miracle we wouldn’t have gotten this apartment. Right?
PENNY What are you trying to say?
THAXTON You have two weeks to move!
PENNY Not so fast—buster! It so happens both our names are on
the lease!
THAXTON Not exactly.
PENNY What do you mean—not exactly?
THAXTON If you think hard, you will recall that the only way we could
get the apartment was to appear as if we were married.
PENNY So?
THAXTON Your name appears on the lease as Penny Pin not Penny
Adams.
PENNY You son-of-a-bitch!
THAXTON Since there is no Penny Pin—Out you go!
PENNY You sneaky bastard! Don’t think that I haven’t been
prepared for something like this from you!
THAXTON What do you mean?
PENNY There is that little matter of your undeclared income over
the past five years. $96,532.84 to be exact. The IRS would
love to know about that.
THAXTON You no-good bitch! You can’t prove a thing!
PENNY Oh yes I can. I have Xerox copies of all those undisclosed
transactions receipts. They tell me that the IRS will pay a
bounty for turning tax cheats, like you, in.
THAXTON You no-good, conniving C-word!
PENNY Come, come now Thaxton. Don’t be a sore loser. You will
be the one to move. Let’s say—ah—one week.
THAXTON I always knew you couldn’t be trusted!
PENNY A lot of good it did you.
THAXTON More than you think.
PENNY What do you mean?
THAXTON I have the pictures.
PENNY Pictures? What pictures?
THAXTON You and Thelma.
PENNY I—I thought Thelma destroyed them!
THAXTON After you walked out on her, she sold them to me.
PENNY How could she?
THAXTON Revenge and money. It looks like we have a standoff.
PENNY Well, I’m not giving up this apartment!
THAXTON You know, damn well, I’m not!
They stare, in silent anger at each other.
PENNY I guess that means we go on living together.
THAXTON There’s not much choice, is there?
PENNY Grin and bear it I always say!
THAXTON When did you ever say that?
PENNY Now! I said it now! And give me back my gold chain!
THAXTON (WAVING PASS BOOK) There’s $15,222.09 in the bank,
nine cents is yours and not a penny more!
PENNY I want my framed medical report back!
THAXTON Too bad you weren’t pregnant! Probably would have been a
a baboon!
PENNY No question about it! Look who the father would have been!
THAXTON It’s late. I don’t have any more energy to fight. I’m going to
bed. (HE TAKES SEVERAL STEPS AWAY, THEN, SLOWLY
TURNS TO FACE PENNY) In the mood?
PENNY (SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS.) What the hell.
She follows him off stage.
END