New Handbook for Open-Carry

The New U.S.A. Handbook for Open-Carry Guns

--Short Person Edition--

 

(What the NRA—the pussies—were forced to tell you.)

 

 

Chapter 1

 

It is your right as a patriotic American Citizen to open-carry one or more handguns and/or a long gun anywhere, anyplace and anytime you see fit and stand your ground. Traumatized children and old people will get over it, if not, too bad...National Rifle Association! APOLOGIZE! (And they did)* It’s right there in Amendment II  Right to bear arms (And we do!)

 

 

Welcome Short Person Upon Your First Venturing Out

 

You will probably be a little nervous. That is a normal feeling. If you have an anxious personality it is important to consider two things: First, look in a full-length mirror. How do you see yourself?  Admit it! Like Napoleon, you are short. Do you feel self-conscious about your height? Napoleon claimed to be five feet, six inches tall. He lied. He was really five feet, four inches short.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Second, it is time to choose your long gun. This is a very important decision, particularly for a short person like you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE LONG GUN

 

Go big! A person five feet four or shorter needs a big long gun to get attention. The bigger and more menacing your gun the better you will feel.

 

 

Pay particular attention to the sling. This is your opportunity to advertise and let those around you know you are somebody special. Pork or beef blood smeared on it makes such a statement. If you can afford it, semi precious stones formed into a skull and crossbones warns those around you that you are not somebody to be trifled with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE HAND GUNS

 

A nine mm automatic sitting in a holster belted to the small of your back will impress those in your company. Be sure to act casual. Find reason to turn around a number of times so that everyone will see your nine mm.

 

                          

 

 

 

You will add “icing on the cake” when you slip a small, hidden derringer out of your sleeve and wave it around before placing it back up your sleeve.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

YOU ARE NOW READY TO VENTURE FORTH

 

Since this is your first time out, fully armed, it would be best to avoid bars and bowling alleys until you have had more exposure and experience. It is suggest that you try a busy pizza parlor to practice on. You should be alerted that even a pizza parlor could be a little troublesome.

 

 

        

 

 

Letters To The Editor

 

Dear Sir:

 

         I followed the advice given to me in Chapter 1 of THE NEW U.S.A. HANDBOOK for OPEN-CARRY...Short Person Edition. I went to a busy pizza parlor carrying a very big long gun on a sling over my shoulder. I had a 9 mm automatic pistol in a holster belted to the small of my back and I took a derringer from my sleeve and waved it about. When I turned around to let everybody see my 9 mm the chef hit me over the head with a rolling pin and I wound up in the hospital.

 

Where did I go wrong?

 

Confused

 

 

 

Dear Confused.

 

Never turn your back on a chef.

 

                                             Editor

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2

 

YOUR FIRST (IF YOU MUST) KILL IN “SELF-DEFENSE”

 

You are now ready to move up to small to medium sized bars. The first thing you will notice is that everybody has a long gun slung over their shoulder and a handgun on their hip or back including some women. It is important to note the early, heavy drinkers and their behavior.

 

Remember! You are a short person! Do not attempt to match drinks with a big person. He can stay sober longer than you and shoot you.

 

 

 

Letters To The Editor

 

Dear Sir:

 

         I took your advice in THE NEW U.S.A. HANDBOOK FOR OPEN-CARRY...Short Person Edition, Chapter 2. I did not attempt to match drinks with the big guy at the bar. I was sober and ready for him when he became nasty. I had my 9 mm pointed at his gut before he could draw his sidearm.

 

         I didn’t know that his mother was the bartender. She hit me over the head with a full bottle of 20 year-old scotch and over-charged me for it. I don’t even drink scotch.

 

         I will be out of the hospital in two days,

 

 

                      

 

 

 

         Where did I go wrong?

Confused

 

 

Dear Confused,

 

A mother can come out of anywhere, even from behind the bar. Next time, don’t turn your back on the bartender, particularly an old lady.

 

Editor

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 3

 

GO WHERE THE ACTION IS

 

By now you should be a pro. Chances are you haven’t killed anyone in self-defense. It’s time for that to change if the situation warrants it. Remember, the law is on your side. Choose a low-income neighborhood either black or Hispanic. We would recommend Hispanic for two reasons. First, black neighborhoods have been popular with taller open carrier whites. Hispanic neighborhoods are very likely to have undocumented aliens. Look for a big male and shoot him. You will not be blamed for standing your ground and the experience will prove to be invaluable for you and your self-confidence.

 

 

Letters To The Editor

 

Dear Sir:

 

         Please excuse my e-mail since I am typing with my left hand through blurry eyesight. My right arm has been broken as well as my left leg. My eyesight is blurry due to two black eyes. I took the advice given in Chapter 3 in THE NEW U.S.A. HANDBOOK FOR OPEN-CARRY...Short Person Edition.

 

         I went to a Spanish speaking, low-income neighborhood and picked out a big guy speaking Spanish. He looked like an undocumented alien to me. I stood my ground and unslung my big, semi-automatic rifle and placed the red dot of my laser sight right between his eyes from a distance of six feet. As per my training, I held my breath and slowly squeezed the trigger and—missed! That’s all I remember until I was in the ambulance.

 

         Where did I go wrong?

 

Confused

 

Dear Confused,

 

You probably needed more target practice.

 

Editor

One Year Later

 

 

Chapter 4

 

TIME FOR YOU, YOUR LONG GUN AND WOMEN

 

You are short but by now you should be comfortable with your open-carry big gun. Women will be impressed. You are a wimp no longer. Arm yourself and pick out the woman you want. Now, with your long gun slung over your shoulder, your 9 mm holstered at the small of your back and your derringer popping in and out of your sleeve, go for a really big, sexy woman. She will be putty in your hands.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

 

Dear Sir,

 

         This will be my last letter. I followed your advice in THE NEW U.S.A. HANDBOOK for OPEN-CARRY...Short Person Edition. I took my long gun and tried to seduce a really big, sexy woman who turned out not to be putty in my hands. The doctors say that due to the rupture I sustained from being kneed by Large Leena I will no longer be able to lift my long gun.

 

         Where did I go wrong?

 

Painfully Confused

 

 

Dear Painfully Confused,

 

Unfortunately open-carry of a long gun, a 9 mm and a hidden derringer is no protection against a knee to the groin, particularly if you are short and she is big.

 

Nice try. We will miss you.

 

Editor

 

 

_______________________________________________________

 

 

 

The Following Is For Real

 

*This is an unedited copy of the article that was posted on the NRA-ILA website on May 30, 2014 (in part)

 

 

When "open carry" groups take their message to parking lots and sidewalks, they say they're fighting for gun rights.

 

What they didn't expect is to have to defend themselves from "friendly fire."

 

"You grow up to revere the NRA, almost like it’s a grandfather," said Tov Henderson of Open Carry Texas. "They’re the vanguards of the Second Amendment."

 

All it took to set off this firestorm was a web article by the NRA-ILA, the lobbying arm of the National Rifle Association. A staffer described, in a May 30 opinion piece, ...

 

described the walks with rifles out in the open as “downright scary” and "downright weird."...

 

Henderson added that he got many e-mails and phone calls on Tuesday, some of them from gun owners threatening to cut up their NRA membership cards. ...

 

 

 

THE APOLOGY

 

"The truth is, an alert went out that referred to this type of behavior (open-carry...my addition) as 'weird' or somehow not normal, and that was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened," said Chris Cox, who is in charge of the NRA Institute for Legislative Action. "I had a discussion with the staffer who wrote that piece and expressed his personal opinion. And our job is not to criticize the lawful behavior of fellow gun owners; our job is to effectuate policy changes that expand and protect our members' right of self-defense."

 

***

 

What is that expression? Oh yes: Truth is stranger than fiction.

 

also

 

More Absurd!

 

Bob Flicker

6/18/14


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